Thursday, July 8, 2010

Living my life.

For some reason people think that there is only one way to "live" life.  You know the person that travels, goes hiking, eats out at a different small should-be-more-famous-than-it-is restaurant, doesn't seem to have a care in the world... its a stereotype.  I don't think I need to explain further.  For a long time, I thought that because I wasn't this person that I wasn't living life.  Fuck that lol.  Yes, those people are living a great life, and I'm sure it makes them happy.  Does it make me happy? HELL NO.  I would get bored with the constant lack of direction and growth.  I need to learn, plan, and have daily routine with the occasional bit of spontaneity.  My life is about moving forward.

I sometimes worry that I get lost in this, and that I live for the future too much.  This, I want to change.  HOWEVER, I do not feel that my way of living life is any more less effective or acceptable (whatever word makes sense to you here).  I feel like I have a great balance in my life.  All these people may be living their lives now, but what are they going to do after graduation when they have a shitty degree with a less than stellar GPA.  I know what I'm gonna do, hell I'm looking for jobs already.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, live life.  But live it the way that makes you happy.  Screw everyone else who thinks your going to regret any sacrifices you make now.  You most likely make them nervous because they are starting to realize they are "living" life a little bit too much.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


OOOmmmmggg I've been super busy again lol.  I just finished why my senior lab.  It went really well, just a lot of work.  Throughout all the work that I had to do, I spent the rest of my free time getting my life together.  LIKE REALLY TOGETHER.  What does this entail? None of your bizzzz.  Sorry, too personal for the blogosphere.

Like I said, I've been working to get my life in a really really good place, even better than before.  This means taking a lot more time for myself.  I spend a lot of times on helping other people with their lives and tend to ignore my own.  This is fine in moderation, because its something that I really enjoy doing, but you can have too much of a good thing.  So I started being a little bit more selfish.  This doesn't mean hogging my food, alcohol, etc aka not sharing anything.  I mean like on nights where people may want me to go out, just staying in and spending time with myself.  Let's face it, other people can come and go, but you ain't goin' nowehre.  We are stuck with dealing with ourselves our entire life.  Better get used to it lol.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm getting to know myself all over again.  It's fun!

One of my favorite me things to do is go to hot yoga by myself.  I tend to switch up between the 4 locations and try to go on random days as to not get the same instructors.  This way things stay kind of anonymous, know what I mean?  It really is so much more relaxing to know it's just you.

Another thing I've gotten over is always needing my phone.  My blackberry was one with me before.  I couldn't go anywhere without it and if I did it was all I could think about.  I like the idea of having a cell phone, but I don't want to be one of those people who constantly turns to their phone every time they are in an awkward social situation.  Currently, I am that person, but I'm working on it okay! LOL.  It's so liberating!!!  

I'm also doing away with all my ridiculous timelines and expectations for myself.  I don't need a boyfriend by any specific time or for any duration.  I don't need to do a blog every week because people expect me to.  Clearly, there are some things that require time lines, but I'm just saying that the unnecessary ones are being plucked from my life one at a time.

These are the ones I decided on for now.  This is quite a bit of work to do, and I'm excited to see myself change.  I really think taking small steps and realizing how to become a better person is important.  One of my friends told me "If you think about it, you are always in a state of growth or decay.  There isn't any flatline."  If I can help it, I'm gonna be on a constant growth as long as I can :).  The best and most effective way to do that is to take small steps and work your way up.  I feel like a new person already :D!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

An Update for those Interested

Where the hell have I been?! I'll tell you :).

This semester was particularly busy for me.  I decided to take 18 credits to allow ample time for my research position I had acquired for the following year (I front-loaded my first 3 years and am taking a class this summer so that I only have 8 credits of requirements to finish my senior year).  The classes just were not as easy as I had planned, but that's ok I still got pretty decent grades just not as many A's as I had hoped--from what I hear that doesn't matter too much anyway.

Also during this time I had my first boyfriend, but that ended a couple weeks ago.  He just really didn't understand how much work I needed to do.  He thought that I was working as hard as I was by choice (in the sense that I didn't need to do it, not that someone was forcing me).  There is just no way I'm going to sacrifice my education that I will have $200,000 worth of loans to pay back, for a guy that I've been dating for a couple months.  I'm sorry if thats weird to some of you, but I feel like I have my priorities pretty well established.

Other than that I've just been seeing my friends, packing up to move into my new apt, and drinking heavily during graduation season.  Although moving sucks I really am enjoying waking up completely sober and ready to go (which was not the case for the week prior).

This summer is going to be CUH-RAZY!  I am taking my senior lab which is a six credit course and will be finished in 5 WEEKS.  Yikes.  I will also be working on my research project throughout, so don't be surprised if you don't see another entry for a while.  Which is why I'm taking the time now to write a few lol.  I should get back to packing though... my roommate isn't exactly what I would call self-motivated.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Graduation Season

As I sit on my balcony, for what is most likely to be one of the last times in my entire life, I feel as contemplative as ever.  It feels likes I'm hearing and seeing everything for the first time all over again, as if I had never really appreciated it before, like I am now.  There's no doubt in my mind that the city is buzzing just as it usually does, that the minutes I'm spending out here are just as long as they've always been, and the church across the street looks just as beautiful.  However I can't help but feel that the city is a bit quieter, these minutes are lasting longer, and the church just looks a little less beautiful.

Although an outsider would never be able to see it, there is just an emptiness that I'm feeling in this part of the city. The obvious reason is a large portion of my friends have graduated and left this fine institution, and I'm still here.  It's hard being left, and easy to leave.  Most of them are moving on to bigger and better things and the rest are just moving.  They have new things to learn, people to meet and places to see.  I, however, am just here, with the rest of the people who have been left behind to wait for our turn.

It's weird to think about the last year, and even weirder to think about the year before that.  I've learned that nostalgic thoughts beget more nostalgic thoughts.  Before you know it, you're remembering your first day of school and crying that you want your mommy.

This year has been particularly eventful for me.  I've done a lot of growing and in this time is when I feel that I have made the best friends that I have ever had.  Simply put, I don't want to see them go.  I've been upset about seeing people leave, but never like this.  I've never been this affected, and for good reason.  This is the only time that I've felt like people had actually gotten to know who I really am.  I wasn't pretending to be anybody other than myself.  One of my friends left today, she was the first person I had ever told that I was gay.  Obviously I feel a particularly strong bond with her, the likes of which I don't share with any other people.  As you could imagine, there is a directly proportioned piece of my hear that I feel like has been ripped out of my chest and dragged to Chicago along with her.  She's been gone for no more than 3 hours and things just seem so bleak.  I think about all the things I'm going to miss doing with her and talking to her about and it makes me sad/angry/upset/depressed.

The most troubling thing of all is that as time passes, the emotions will wane and I will have, for all intents and purposes, forgotten what had happened between us.  Perhaps not completely, but it will at least have been suppressed by some sort of mental blockade.  I guess its just weird to me that unless I make some sort of extreme conscious effort that I will simply forget.  The human mind is an amazing tool, always looking out for numero uno.  Think about it.  If I stayed in this state of nostalgia and pain for any longer than a day or two I wouldn't be able to function and move on with my life.  I would be wrapped up in a cocoon of sadness with no drive to do the things I need to do to continue on.  I guess all in all its just interesting to me how all of this stuff works out.

Time heals all wounds, and I guess I'm just waiting for time to dull the pain of this one...

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I'm in a particularly pissy mood today.  Last night, I had some fucking skank try and make me look like a fool in front of my friends.  This is something I generally don't appreciate.  I've been dating Jamie for a while now, and this bitch was running his mouth about how I've abandoned my friends.

I'll preface this with a few things.  I can be mean, catty, bitchy, sensitive, prissy, and whatever other negative things you can come up with to call me.  I accept that, everyone has their negative qualities.  Say what you want.  I refuse to be accused of being or doing something that I am not or did not do.  I also hold my friends, especially the ones that were there, near and dear to my heart.  They helped me come out, and have been there ever since.  I am forever grateful to them for helping me through such a difficult time in my life.

It is people, like this sad shell of a human being, that piss me off to no end.  This type of person starts trouble and pits people against each other because they are disgusting, rotten human beings.  I'm sorry if you have such a shitty life, but the only reason it sucks is because you aren't doing anything to change it. I promise you can.  I did it, other people have done it.  Suck it up and try to be a decent human being and you will be.

This what I have to say to the people who share this opinion of people who are trying to have a happy, healthy relationship:  get over it.  Life is one huge continuous change and until you realize this you are going to be unhappy and unable to handle the inevitable change.  I've lost friends to relationships, but to me that means that we just weren't good enough friends.  I'm not gonna talk shit on them, I'm not gonna accost them and try and make them feel bad about what they are doing.  It's sophomoric and idiotic.  They are just trying to be happy, and if I was their friend I should be able to understand and accept that.

If I've never called you/texted you/"anything"-ed you before, why the hell would I start now.  Get over yourself, you just aren't a part of my life that I care to keep, for obvious reasons.  I'm keeping the friends that are important to me.  If you aren't that person, I'm sorry.  It's not you it's me... no, it's you.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I don't even know what to say about this... not in a bad way.  I just think its crazy how much we look alike.

and until it was pointed out on multiple occasions that we are practically twins, that I realized thinking he was hot and wanting to date him was a little... well very weird.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A few things...

So in one of my classes I am actually forced to write in a blog, which makes this a little hard to do becasue the other one is about boring nonsense like public health policy lol.  I don't really know why I'm telling you, just saying.

So I'm back on twitter as well.  I deleted it initially due to too many naked women and creepers following me, but bad always comes with the good.  My friends have been beotching at me about it as well because it makes it a lot easier to stay in touch and communicate in-the-moment ridiculous thoughts that were at one time impossible to do so when two of them moved to New York.  I missed it too.

Other than that I have just been hanging out because we had BACK TO BACK FUCKING BLIZZARDS!  Let me just say this... I hate snow.  Now, I'll say this... I loathe three feet of snow.  Baltimore shut down.  It was the most snow baltimore has ever gotten in that short of a time period.  NO cars were on the road, people were walking around like it was December 2012 (yes, I believe it could happen).  It took me 4 hours to dig my car out, once the roads were barely drivable, and then cost me 50 dollars to keep it in a garage until the next snow storm passed.  Mind you I'm doing all this trekking in the snow in a pair of Diesel sneakers (my most snow-ready shoes that I own... I brought it up to my mom, she doesn't care lol).  Somehow I made it downtown every night of the week, and had my fill of alcohol.  I was in vacation mode hardcore.

On another note, my birthday is coming up in a month.  Not just any birthday, my 21st birthday!!!!!!! I am very excited.  Since my birthday falls on spring break.  I will be celebrating it 3 different times.  The first true birthday night with my gays here in baltimore.  Then, when I get home with all my home friends and then one more time in baltimore with all of my other friends that were home for spring break the first time I went out for it.  I'm just glad I won't be going to bars illegally anymore lol.  It will make my life and my friends lives much less stressful.

I'm gonna try and make a video soon, but who knows... talk to you guys laterrrrrrrrrr

p.s. my twitter name is johncoiaaa
p.p.s. yes with 3 a's, I've used the other variations of my name like johncoia and johndcoia while making and deleting accounts lol.