Can someone teach me how to meditate? Please, and thank you.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I really wish, that for once in my life, my mind could be at ease for just one minute. I am constantly thinking about anything and everything. At times I'm thinking about how much I think, and how I can't ever stop thinking. How sad is that? With all the thinking I do, you would think at some point that I would be able to come up with a way to not think. Ugh, I'm stressed out.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:02 AM
Sunday, June 28, 2009
So I have been interested in meeting this guy that I would see out at a bar for quite some time now. The thing is, I exude cowardice when it comes to approaching guys. Most of the time I've had a really hard week and I don't feel like ruining my night by getting turned down by a guy (since that is what I automatically assume is going to happen). The rest of the time I am just not confident enough to do something like that. I feel that it is the only confidence I still need to acquire at this point in time.
When it comes to things like talking to random people, dancing like no one is watching, being who I am, and standing up for what I believe in I am more than .............. For some reason I just can't talk to guys. I guess it's because I have never actually done it before. The other guys that I have talked to have been friends of friends, so the ice had already been broken so-to-speak.
Finally, one of my friends decided that it was ridiculous and that something needed to happen because he was tired of listening to contemplate an approach and ultimately deciding against it. So he went and said something to him and he came over and introduced himself to me. HOWEVER, he did not give me his number, he said he would "facebook" me. At the time, I was just so tickled pink that he was even talking to me that I wasn't really thinking about what he was saying. The next morning no friend request and I thought about it. He totally denied me, HARD.
The thing that pisses me off the most though is that he didn't just tell my friend he wasn't interested, he just decided to come over, get my hopes up, and not follow through. This whole situation has not helped my confidence. As a matter of fact, it's gonna take a little while for me to get over this one. It was my first real attempt (and it wasn't even so much mine, as my friend doing the work for me), and it failed, miserably I might add. Ugh, just so depressing. This is one instance where being right is no fun at all. Hopefully making some money will make me feel better. Honestly if you can imagine the personification of "Ugh", you are imagining exactly what I look like as I type this lol. UGH!
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 2:05 PM
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
So I haven't really posted an entry in a while, and I had some downtime so I figured,"what the hell?"
First things first. If Perez is going to do what he does on the Internet, I'm just glad it's not via videos. If I had to watch his awkward mandibular movements for any longer than I did, I would be pretty upset. I mean he can't even keep his tongue in his mouth when he is talking. Ew. I don't know, it's just hard to watch.
In other news, my mommy is coming to visit for the next couple of days :D! Which I'm very excited about, and she is bringing me a ton of food and my dad's homemade wine (YUM!). We are going to have so much fun when she gets here. We're going to my P.F. Chang's tonight for dinner, so she can see where I work and who I work with. Hopefully I can get her to buy me some stuff from IKEA! I know that's horrible and manipulative, but she's only gonna do it if she really wants to. I am her favorite son lol.
My plan is up this July for Verizon, and I don't know what I want to do. To be honest, this has never happened to me before. I have never had the same phone long enough to make it through a two year cycle. Not that I have this time either, but I was using my family members upgrades when I wanted a new phone, so it's been two years since I've upgraded my line lol. Like I said though, I've never had this freedom, and now that I'm making money I could technically go on my own and start a new plan with another service provider. Do I want to though? Verizon has been so good to me, they just are not very up to date on their blackberry collection and they aren't even getting the new Curve. Do I wait for the next storm to come out? Or do I get the new Tour that's coming out a week before my plan is up? So many decisions... I could also switch to T-mobile, be on my own and have the new curve. So stressful.
One other thing that's kind of been bothering me... IT'S SO HARD TO MEET ANYONE IN BALTIMORE. Either the guy comes up and talks to me and he's kind of weird and totally not my type, or I go up to them (very rarely because I'm scurred) and I get denied... harrumph(<--this is an actual word in the dictionary... who knew?!?!)! Do I give up? I think I am for now at least. I shall live vicariously through my best friend and his happy three year relationship with his boyfriend, le sigh.
Oh well, if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. I do have some other things I need to do before my mom gets here though, so until next time guys.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:56 AM
Saturday, June 20, 2009
As some of you, who follow me on twitter, already know, I have yet another youtube account. This will for certain be my last channel that I ever create lol. My hope is that I will never have a reason to close it in the first place. SO, if you are on youtube and you aren't subscribed to me yet, I suggest you go do that right now.
Like now. Seriously stop reading this and go to my youtube.
In other news, I am completely out to my hometown and all my friends! So that is really cool. I'm really feeling quite well about my life right now. I just got my job secured. I even have a shift today. I'm not hiding from anyone... at all. Hell I even changed my facebook to "interested in men". These are all good things.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT SO GOOD: IF BALTIMORE DECIDED TO RAIN ON ME ONE MORE DAY THAN IT ALREADY HAS.... I honestly don't know what I would do. There really isn't anything you can do to stop rain. Unfortunate, but true. Seriously though, it has been raining so much here that it makes me sick. I'm just getting so tired of no sun. IT'S SUMMER AND I'M NO WHERE NEAR TAN! UGH! Oh well...
I did see this really cute guy at the bar last night, and I totally thought he was coming over to talk to me. I was wrong lol. Just walked right by. He was like the definition of cute though. He was cuter slightly less nerdy version of Michael Serra(SP). Which is usually so not my type at all, but things change I guess.
to go back to sleep or to do chores? sleep.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:22 AM
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I have never felt so grown up in my life. I have my first real job, that will actually allow me to file for tax returns because I will be making enough money. I opened a savings account for god sakes. I don't know about you, but I think thats what people do when they have a plan for their life. Not that I didn't have one before, but I never needed to save for anything. I knew my college was gonna be on loans, and up until this year I was completely fiscally dependent on my parents. I truly and honestly feel like I'm maturing somehow. It's a very odd feeling.
On top of all that I'm living on my own for the time being which simulates how things will be when I graduate from Hopkins. Just crazy crazy. I don't know, it just kind of hit me now. I've been kind of immature for quite some time now. Not in all respects but in quite a few. I just feel like I'm finally becoming an adult. Sure, I was in college, I am no longer a teenager, I'm gonna be in the real world in two years and I look older. I never felt old though. I would still whine and get upset over stupid things. I always cared what everyone else thought of me. I was catty and even vengeful on rare occasions; behavior that is unacceptable and for 10 year olds.
I think back now on some of the things that I have done and I'm just glad that I don't feel the need to do them anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm completing my maturation process. The last thing for me was my emotional maturation, which I guess is fine, and I guess that only happened because I wasn't emotionally expressing myself the way I had wanted to for 19 years.
It makes sense if you think about it. My sexuality didn't really affect anything else in my life. I didn't really play any sports or change my interests in academia to suit a more "straight" outlook on life. So mentally and logically I was maturing. You can't really stop physical maturation. As for my spirituality, I have never really been a huge believer in religion so that was easy. That just leaves emotion. Makes sense to me. Obviously I'm greatly generalizing, but you get the point.
I just think its fun lol. I also hardly look on facebook anymore... so juvenile. Haha j/k. Well about the juvenile part, I really don't use facebook nearly as often as I used to.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:40 PM
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sorry I haven't posted in a little while. I have been quite busy with training for pf chang's, studying for the exam on serving that I have to take, and then going home for my dad's birthday and my younger brothers graduation.
Home was fun, it was not nearly as fun as I had thought it was going to be. I had just recently told all of my home friends that I was gay which most of them replied,"Yeah, I know... haha." Which is kind of good lol. I'm just glad I wasn't catching anyone off guard. I mean facebook stalking has made keeping secrets almost impossible, especially one that affects my life as much as this one does. ANYWAY, the point of that was that since they knew I was gay I could be myself. So home should have been a lot of fun. I ended up seeing very few of the people who hadn't known already, therefore the trip was not nearly as fulfilling as I had hoped it to be.
That being said, it was nice to see my brothers and my mom nonetheless. There was someone that I really wanted to see, but I didn't get a chance to. That was a complete and total bummer. Seeing this person was a large part of the reason why I went home. I am being vague on purpose, sorry I can't go into more detail but that was a huge letdown.
I am excited to be back at my apartment though. I missed my bed dearly. There just doesn't seem to be anywhere else in the world that I get a better nights sleep.
Sorry this entry kind of sucked lol, hopefully the next one is better!
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 1:19 PM
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I have come to realize that very very few people actually achieve true love. To me, love is like perfection. It is something that you strive for in such a way that you are going to achieve it, but you never really do. To me, it seems near impossible. However, you will strive and strive, and eventually find your "true love". I think that most peoples true love, is the love they feel is the best they will be able to find. A lot of times this tends to be the case, and couples stay together and raise families. They don't ever come across another individual that they love more than their significant other.
How often, though, do you hear of adultery, divorce, and even loveless marraige? These things all occur because the couple miscalculated how they felt. They thought they were in love, and thought that they had found it, but actually didn't. Is it really that wrong to try and correct your mistakes? Should you stop looking for your true love if you have already committed to another? I don't think so, personally. You are always looking for it, trying to seek it out. I think finding that love is the most important thing in anyones life. There shouldn't be anyone, or anything that should stop you from doing so.
Love is the ultimate. I feel that finding your best love, will lead to a very happy life without exception. I think a lot of people will vouch for that. I have not found my love yet though. I know I am still quite young, and still don't know very much about love or relationships or life in general for that matter, but I still want to find it as soon as possible. Who wouldn't?
Unfortunately, I am not entitled to anything. I am glad that I have somehow realized how little credit I was giving "love" recently. I was discounting it and treating it like my college education; just something I have to work towards for a few years and then one day its going to happen. It's so much more than that though. Think about the odds, just seriously consider them for one second. You should be awestruck at this point. The prospect of finding someone in the billions of people that inhabit this country alone is a ridiculous thought. Mind you, that large mass is broken up into smaller divisions based on gender, sexuality, and whatever other prerequisites you have when considering someone for love, but even then they are still staggering odds.
I am single, but not because there's something wrong with me, just because I haven't found it yet. I need to remember that. When I see all these happy couples, I sometimes lose that logic and think it has something to do with me and only me. I can't be the entire reason why I haven't found my love yet, there are so many other determining factors. I have hope though, and I'm working on my patience :). Right now, I think that's the best I can do. I'd like to think love will find me, that would be nice.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 7:55 PM
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
There are so many good things happening to me right now that I almost can't handle it. Haha I'm waiting for the universe to auto-correct and throw some bad luck my way, hopefully not too soon. But yeah, like I said, I'm having an awesome time right now!
I start my first day of real training tomorrow and in a week I will have started my real job, with tips and everything. I will be mildly self sufficient and paying for things a college student with a waiting and a retail job should be paying for. So that is always exciting. I'm getting kinda tired of constantly hitting my parents up for money even though they always tell me that this is the time of my life that I should be ok with mooching off of them. Which makes sense, but it still bothers me.
MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT SOON. My mom is a teacher and she is finally getting done with her kids at school, so she will be coming to see meeeeeeee!!!!!! I am so excited I could explode. My mother and I have gotten so ridiculously close in recent months, I fell in love with her all over again (not that I didn't love her to death before). We are just going to have so much fun and I will actually be able to talk to her because I don't have to worry about my dad feeling "uncomfortable with what he's hearing" (...tool). Yay for mommy visits!!!
The other thing is that I am going home this weekend, its my dad's birthday and my little brother is graduating high school. Since I can't be home for either of the actual days due to training, I am going home for the weekend in between to quasi-celebrate both. That should be fun, especially since I'm sure all of my friends at home have heard that I'm gay from the people that I have told (no more hiding, and no more elephants). I don't know if anyone will actually get that last reference, like the whole "elephant in the room" being whether or not I know I'm gay sort of thing. Yeah, nuff said.
I will get to play tennis with my brother hopefully. I played today and jesus christ I am out of shape. That's what you get going from 24 hours a week of intense cardio/lifting/stretching to... nothing haha. Yeah haha, so it might be more like a half hour of tennis, and then him getting tired of me being tired and calling his actual hitting partner.
On top of all these things, I'm finally feeling better about my other friends leaving, and everything is going to be ok. I have been reconnecting with other friends that I've had at school and its just been good. Now I'm gonna go home and reconnect with my home friends. Ugh, just so many positive things. One negative though, I forgot to wash my uniform for work, so I have to do it now and its kind of late and I'm tired. That's all I have to complain about right now.
My friend Jackie came over tonight, I made the both of us dinner and talked and watched the sunset. It was really nice. It sounds like a really nice date now that I think about it. I mean barring the fact that I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. It was really fun though, we haven't hung out like that in a while.
Yay for a good day, now I'm gonna go finish my laundry and have a good night. Night!
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:28 PM
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Is it just me or is the swine flu no longer a problem? I haven't heard anything about it in quite some time. This could be attributed to the fact that I don't have cable and I have been doing nothing with my life for the past two weeks, but I still think the stink about the swine flu is finally dying down.
What happened to the epidemic? Hm. Oh well, I just thought it was interesting how quickly it was forgotten.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:00 PM
A NICE DAY FINALLY!!!! Baltimore's weather has been so incredibly dreary and wet as of late I was going into a depression due to lack of natural light. The nice thing about it is that I also got invited to a bbq today, so it works out quite nicely.
I have recently become obsessed with chocolate milk. I don't know what prompted me to make myself a glass of chocolate milk on that one fateful day two weeks ago, but I'm so glad it did. I was never really a big milk drinker, actually I was never a really big anything drinker. For as long as I can remember, water has always been my drink of choice. The only other beverage I would ever drink was gatorade during some of my harder swim practices.
Like I said I don't know what it is, but I'm glad that I started drinking milk. I think I can use the calcium and the vitamin D. I can't just drink plain milk though, only chocolate. I think I can handle the extra calories though, since I rarely ever gain weight.
I'm not exactly sure when it was (sixth or seventh grade, I think?), my doctor put me on steroids just so I could gain weight. It didn't matter how many calories I would consume, between my metabolism and 9 swim practices a week, I could not gain any weight. It's not like I was a healthy weight either. I was 6'/135, that is way too skinny. First the doctor thought I had an eating disorder and suggested my mom monitor my diet. To the doctors dismay, my mom reported after two weeks that I was consuming ~6,000 calories a day. Haha... not an eating disorder.
Well that was not where I thought this blog was going to go but whatever. That is a really interesting progression haha; weather to milk to eating disorders and steroids, nice.
Am I a huge tool for owning and wearing a pair of white cargo shorts? I kind of think so, but at the same time I don't care at all haha.
Burgers, hot dogs, nice weather, and alcohol beckon.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 2:14 PM
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I decided that my layout was pretty boring slash not attractive at all. So I got a new one :). I think it's cute, and I think its a little easier to read. For some reason it really bothers me to read light text on a dark background. My eyes start to hurt really bad after a while.
Anyways, I don't know how many of you follow me on twitter, but last night I went to this event. It's called a GGBB (a.k.a. Guerilla Gay Bar Baltimore). On the first friday of every month a bar is chosen, and the bar that is chosen is one that isn't considered a gay bar. Then on that friday hundreds of gays go to that bar and kind of "take it over". This isn't violent, and there aren't any mean-girls-esque confrontations with the straight regulars either. We just go and there are a lot of us haha.
There are a few things that make these events exceptionally fun. The first of which being that you are kinda doing something that goes against the grain. It feels like the first time you drank underage. You know you shouldn't be doing it, you might regret it in the morning, but you enjoy every second of it while its happening. The second thing is that it's a nice change from the usual gay bars that I go to on the weekends. Going to the same bar and seeing the same people every weekend can and will get boring very quickly, it's a very nice change up. Lastly, the bars tend to have very good drink specials that suit the crowd well. Example: One month there was a special for five dollar stoli vodka drinks, which is quite cheap.
If you live in a big enough city, where these events actually occur, I highly suggest going to at least one. It's a very different, new sort of fun that I rather enjoy. I just think you should try it lol. These events just aren't for gay people too. They are for gay people and anyone who supports/loves gays.
Oh and I forgot one of the fun things about the event. The way you discern whether or not someone is there for the GGBB or just for the bar is via stickers. For some reason this alone tickles me to my core. The stickers are also amazing, its a rainbow background with a gay pride fist on it, which I think is very cute. The sticker is also how you get the drink specials. I've kept all of the stickers from each GGBB I've been to, and this way it helps me keep count of how many I've been to.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:11 AM
Friday, June 5, 2009
So there has been a lot of speculation going on in my hometown, for a variety of reasons. The only thing keeping me from telling my friends, was my family. I decided that I think this is a situation where I can be a little selfish, because it was really bothering me that I couldn't tell my close friends. It was even worse because everyone was talking about it, AND I knew they were talking about it.
I ended up telling a bunch of my guy friends today, and most of the girls already know. I just told the girls that if people ask they can tell them. The guys all took it well for the most part, aside from the usual "as long as you don't try anything with me" line since I obviously have to flirt with every guy I see lol.
One thing I wasn't expecting, though, was the relief I'm feeling right now. I thought that was over, but I guess this was a bigger deal than I was letting myself believe. I feel a lot better than I did before they knew. I'm glad :). I mean most of them said that they pretty much knew, especially after the past year (curse you facebook stalking). But yeah, it's crazy. I'm happy. I feel better. I just hope that my parents don't find out that I told them. Even though, nothing bad happened they will still be angry on a matter of "principle" (since I went against their wishes). Haha, whatever, it's worth whatever shit I get from the parental units.
I wonder how fast it's going to spread now that I have admitted to what they all thought... I'm guessing like wildfire lol. I hope so, less work for me :D.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 4:49 PM
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sitting in my apartment, waiting for my friends to get here. As usual I'm ready early and they are late. I think I plan for the downtime now lol. I always have "things I forgot to do". I mean it's subconscious is what I'm trying to say. I somehow leave just enough time to get everything done, that I should have done a while ago. Every time I do this I'm banking on their average lateness.
The new hair is really growing on me. It's a very mature haircut for me. Something I'm not really used to. It makes me look older and I think thats a good thing... perhaps, I don't know. I guess some people might think its good others may not. Moral of the story: I'm not so upset Jenna fucked up, and may keep the cut.
Cassie leaves tomorrow, which is sad. I think I'm ok with it though. It's the "natural progression of things" as my mother so gracefully put it as I was talking to her on the phone today. I don't know how many people know this, but I am mildly obsessed with my mom. Especially now, we have gotten a lot closer and I think she is getting annoyed by how much I want to talk to her all the time now haha. Seriously love her to death.
Speaking of parents, things with my dad are pretty much back to normal minus the awkward references to heterosexuality and the idea of girlfriends. He is a lot less annoying now, now that I think about it.
Both jobs secured by the way. I'm going to be a server at P.F. Changs haha! I never really pictured myself as a server the summer of my sophomore year of college, but since there was not one paid chemical engineering internship I didn't really have a choice. It's good money. Plus, I get discounted meals (Crispy Honey Shrimp here I come). Oh and my other job is a sales associate job at Lucky, which I'm only doing for the discount. I'm probably gonna get zero hours, and the pay isn't that good anyway. Come on though, 60% employee discount is totally worth it.
I am currently obsessed with Sia's - Breathe Me. I don't know why, but I can not stop listening to it. If you listen close enough you can hear opening her mouth right before she is about to sing, its kind of gross. I am willing to look past it though :).
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 11:18 PM
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I go for my second job interview today... EXCITING. One of my really really really good friends is leaving her job there and I'm pretty much taking her spot, a passing of the torch so to speak. That is the only reason why I am applying for this job actually. She pretty much made this job a lock for me, unless I come across as some anti-social fool that my major probably makes me out to be.
So that's soon, like ten minutes soon, but I figured I'd write you guys anyway. I don't have anything to do until then anyway.
Earlier this morning there was a free skin cancer screening down at the JHU medical campus. I don't know about you, but any free service I can get from a Johns Hopkins medical physician is worth it to me. So I went, assuming they were going to tell me I'm all clear. This was not the case. Now they didn't find any melanoma, but they pretty much scared me from leaving my apartment. There was a spot on my back that they weren't too sure about and they want me to come back in to get it checked out. SCARY! I'm italian and I have no family history of skin cancer. This was not supposed to happen. Now I'm going to be a nervous wreck in my interview and it will have nothing to do with my interview, just the imminent deterioration of my epidermis. Obviously I'm being over dramatic. I don't think I have skin cancer, but its still annoying that I didn't just get the "all clear" like my three other friends did :(.
One other thing. I am starting to find out that I am pretty good at cooking. I've only made myself dinner a total of ten times at this point, but I seem to be pretty good at not burning things and following instructions. Which I know not everyone can do since I live with 3 culinarily inept roommates last year. The suite smelled like burnt something more often than not. I am kind of excited about this though and I want to start making some more difficult things that will also be more fun to eat.
Ok, seriously, last thing. It is amazing how much easier it is to restrict your diet to certain foods when you:
A.) don't have that much money.
B.) don't want to lose a free parking spot.
C.) aren't on a meal plan.
It's so much better, and I never have to leave my apartment solely for food! Ok, well I really really need to go haha, I'm going to be late for my interview.
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 1:44 PM
Monday, June 1, 2009
So I got a job today. It wasn't the job I was hoping for, but you can't expect to get anything that pays too well if you can only work for the next three months, ugh. It is a job though, a job that I know how to do all too well and pays OK for a retail position. Hopefully, my second job will come through! If it does I will be making pretty good money and will most definitely be able to do some things that I am planning on doing this summer.
In other news... there really isn't any lol. The following list of things is what has been consuming my life since I finished finals: Cleaning and unpacking my apartment (which I'm still not done with), going to the grocery store, finding jobs, sleeping, eating, the occasional night out, and playing bubble spinner. That is my life right now, when I have some sort of expendable income it should start to become a bit more interesting. Especially since it is kind of hard to meet people when you live in an apartment by yourself haha. That will change soon though!
Posted by SeeJohnSwim at 1:08 PM