Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Solitude

So I have come to a conclusion. I'm 85% sure that I am not going to find a significant other. I know, I know all of you are probably like "Oh Geeze, will you shut up!" Seriously though... You guys only know the person in the blogs and vlogs. You don't know how I carry myself while I'm out, or while I'm at work, or anywhere for that matter. Unless I'm smiling, which isn't all that often (I don't just smile because I can, I need a reason, it's just who I am), I look like an intense angry bitch or so I have been told. A.K.A not very approachable.

I'm not saying that I don't want to find someone, I'm just saying that is going to be exponentially harder for me to meet someone to date since they will have to get to know me pretty well at first to see the light at the end of the long, dark, bitchy tunnel that is my exterior. I think I'm ok with it too. I'm not happy about it, but I'm over being upset about it. This is who I am, if you don't like it fine, but I can't change who I am. I've tried multiple times.

Losing myself isn't worth finding someone else.

Numero uno is the most important to me. I'm also not saying that I'm going to be all alone, because somehow I make friends very easily. Which makes NO sense at all. As soon as the thought of "possible significant other" crosses my mind I must go into some sort of super bitch mode. SO, I'm not necessarily going to be alone. I'm just not going to have a partner/husband/boyfriend.

I also have a very slight intimation that I might be incredibly self-destructive in relationships, but I can't be sure since I haven't really had an actual super serious relationship. I think I have a colossal fear of being hurt, and in that one semi-relationship that I did have, I got hurt very very badly. Based on my logic its not really worth it to me, because I'm not one to be able to shake things off very easily. I'm an extraordinarily emotional person, and my emotions directly affect my thought processes and intellectual capabilities. I just don't know if I could handle the emotional roller-coaster ride that is all relationships, with the coursework that I am currently undertaking.

Geeze, I haven't written in here in a while. Sorry that its such a downer, but this is where I like to blow off steam. So feel the burn, bitches. Haha just kidding about that last part, talk to you guys later!

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