Saturday, May 29, 2010

Graduation Season

As I sit on my balcony, for what is most likely to be one of the last times in my entire life, I feel as contemplative as ever.  It feels likes I'm hearing and seeing everything for the first time all over again, as if I had never really appreciated it before, like I am now.  There's no doubt in my mind that the city is buzzing just as it usually does, that the minutes I'm spending out here are just as long as they've always been, and the church across the street looks just as beautiful.  However I can't help but feel that the city is a bit quieter, these minutes are lasting longer, and the church just looks a little less beautiful.

Although an outsider would never be able to see it, there is just an emptiness that I'm feeling in this part of the city. The obvious reason is a large portion of my friends have graduated and left this fine institution, and I'm still here.  It's hard being left, and easy to leave.  Most of them are moving on to bigger and better things and the rest are just moving.  They have new things to learn, people to meet and places to see.  I, however, am just here, with the rest of the people who have been left behind to wait for our turn.

It's weird to think about the last year, and even weirder to think about the year before that.  I've learned that nostalgic thoughts beget more nostalgic thoughts.  Before you know it, you're remembering your first day of school and crying that you want your mommy.

This year has been particularly eventful for me.  I've done a lot of growing and in this time is when I feel that I have made the best friends that I have ever had.  Simply put, I don't want to see them go.  I've been upset about seeing people leave, but never like this.  I've never been this affected, and for good reason.  This is the only time that I've felt like people had actually gotten to know who I really am.  I wasn't pretending to be anybody other than myself.  One of my friends left today, she was the first person I had ever told that I was gay.  Obviously I feel a particularly strong bond with her, the likes of which I don't share with any other people.  As you could imagine, there is a directly proportioned piece of my hear that I feel like has been ripped out of my chest and dragged to Chicago along with her.  She's been gone for no more than 3 hours and things just seem so bleak.  I think about all the things I'm going to miss doing with her and talking to her about and it makes me sad/angry/upset/depressed.

The most troubling thing of all is that as time passes, the emotions will wane and I will have, for all intents and purposes, forgotten what had happened between us.  Perhaps not completely, but it will at least have been suppressed by some sort of mental blockade.  I guess its just weird to me that unless I make some sort of extreme conscious effort that I will simply forget.  The human mind is an amazing tool, always looking out for numero uno.  Think about it.  If I stayed in this state of nostalgia and pain for any longer than a day or two I wouldn't be able to function and move on with my life.  I would be wrapped up in a cocoon of sadness with no drive to do the things I need to do to continue on.  I guess all in all its just interesting to me how all of this stuff works out.

Time heals all wounds, and I guess I'm just waiting for time to dull the pain of this one...

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